Tuesday, 10 January 2012

I Don't Know the World; Incidents of Distrust

This year, thought it has just started, and as brief as it has been (ten days) has taught me more than years and years have. Okay. Well , its only been the same lesson, but literally it feels like a ten day crash course on it, with more personal/ first hand experiences/case studies than entire years. Really. A crash course on trust and expectations.
  Its quite kooky tbh, because its like umm... why do I need this lesson? I thought my head was screwed on perfectly well when it came to that. Apparently not. If, even for a second, I thought I knew enough about it/the world, and people- I've realized I know nothing. Nothing at all. A new born baby would probably know more. And after each experience I have felt shock, but then learned from them and accepted them. Still, after being convinced that I now know what I needed to know, some little incident occurs that instills in me, day after day- the world is not to be trusted.
Of all incidents, obviously the most soul crushing was the one that involved someone who was very close to me, in fact, still is; somebody, who I thought understood everything and I didn't ever have to put my expectations in words. Who knew what I was all about, and who would never cross certain boundaries, because they of all people understood the importance of those boundaries, and how breaking those boundaries would cause irreparable damage. Its unbelievably gutting when somebody crosses that line for nothing else, other than pure amusement and little else. And when its you're own sister? not just sister, TWIN sister? which is like a sister x100? its like the end of the world.
Yesterday, we were helping out my chachi for a dinner. Obviously we had nobody to hang out with except each other and a younger cousin. The moment my sister walked in(she came a little later), she looked at me in this weird, salacious way. Like she checked me out, upar se neechay. Which is weird, you must admit for a sibling, and a non-boy to do.Her eyes stopped at my beautiful old shoes that I was wearing after long, and feeling like wow in. I've told you how shoes effects my mood. Anyway we were standing outside sipping on our diet cokes...actually all this is irrelevant.
What you need to know is- how strongly I feel about diet coke. I genuinely count its as one of my best friends. And given that I have written an entire monologue about trust and expectations that relates to an incident with diet coke as the climax- you should know its pretty real. I think about ten years ago if not more, for the first time diet coke came to Pakistan. No...not the can ones, they were always there. But the local, sheeshay wali bottle. For fifteen rupees. Ever since that day, I have never had coke. At least not that I let myself remember. Since that day, I don't ever have a non-diet fizzy drink.No sprite, no seven up. No nothing. I could be dying of thirst, there may not be any water- but I just cannot have a normal coke/sprite/seven up. Gulldozer knows this. She's always known this. Infact she's a silent follower of this rule as well.We didn't make this pact together, but its just one of those unsaid things, Never.Yesterday at the dinner, my cousin and Gulldozer were sitting and there was a glass of coke/diet coke. I asked my cousin, if it was her coke-she said nope, not mine. I asked my sister if it was hers, she nodded , her mouth being too full, as per usual at such events to allow a simple yes or no. I being me, especially being me with my sister's diet coke, took a customary huge gulp- finishing well more than half the glass in two sips. While it was in my mouth, I swear to Jesus I tasted something different- and right then Gulldozer starts doing little cowboy pistol actions,saying 'PUNKED PUNKED PUNKED'.
It wasn't diet coke, it was normal coke.
At that first moment, I laughed, cos the punked actions were a  little funny,and cos she had gotten me well- but less than an instant later that laugh turned into disbelief.Once the gravity of the situation ,the wretched liquid and pointless calories settled deep within my heart and stomach (and God knows where else only time shall tell); it hit me. WTH. How could my own sister, my TWIN sister, who knew exactly what this meant for me, how grave a crime this was for me- do this? She already  knew what massive trust issues I was having with the world- to creep up on me like that, and that too regarding matters of the diet coke, which as we all know, are offenses for which death is but a punishment too light-you need to be a special kind of heartless.
I have never known a moment of such profound despondency as that one.
Just imagine, I know you think I'm over reacting and what a DQ- (drama queen, NOT dairy queen,I know you're thoughts). But like, everyone has their principles that they've made for themselves you know. Yes there are principles that have been ingrained by society- you know what they are. And then there are your own personal rules that you make for yourself.Your own little invisible  book of wisdom. Your own little guide to live by. Then some duck like my sister comes along, and whooosh- there goes the last of them. No more rules to live by.
So I hope that undergoing the ultimate betrayal by my own sister is going to mark the end of this season, the season of learning that I know nothing and can expect nothing. Especially not from sisters with their eyes on your shoes and every goddamn thing in your closet.

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